The second of a three-part series.  Check out part one!

Words that haunt are often those spoken in the heat of the moment.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

My husband is good with the gentle answer part. Me? Not so much. I get my feathers ruffled a bit too easily. I am prone to fly off the handle when angry, saying things I often regret later.

James 1:19 says, “Take note of this. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

It’s not always easy to exercise self-control, but if we spend more time listening, we might understand what’s actually happening, rather than jumping to conclusions.

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
Proverbs 16:24 (NIV)

Oh boy, I fail with that one. A good goal though. I do think I need to try harder.

The thing about anger is, it seldom accomplishes anything, except maybe to push away the person you are hollering at.  The words you are spouting out get lost in the air as the target of your anger shuts down. If you’re screaming, the other person begins to feel justified to turn away and ignore everything you are saying. So instead of communicating, an impasse is created. Mission not accomplished! Better to maintain control and speak in a respectful voice, difficult as that may be in the moment.

And then there’s this:

I am going to try to speak respectfully and not raise my voice in anger. How about you?

Words that haunt…Gossip!

I’m not sure where this originated, but the Pastor from my youth would often say,
“If you’re not part of the problem or part of the solution, it’s gossip.”

The thing about gossip is that it can quickly become inaccurate. Remember playing whisper down the lane in school or at a party? In school it seemed like a game but it was intended to be a learning experience. The words changed, the interpretation altered as a single statement traveled from person to person. So if you make a decision to talk negatively about someone, or pass on information that is none of your business or that of the person you are talking to, there’s a good chance it’s going to get all twisted up.

Now there are certainly times when we need to vent to a friend. But it takes self-control and discernment not to use venting as an excuse to gossip.

I like the New Living Translation of this verse:
“Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut and you will stay out of trouble.”

I’m going to try my best not to gossip. How about you?

 

 

 

 

Ahhh, social media, both a blessing and a curse!

We must be careful what we post, remembering that we represent Jesus to the world. What you write may be seen by far more people than you realize and it’s permanently out there. Even if you go back and delete it, somebody may have already taken a screen shot. Also, it may not be read in the way you meant it, leaving your posts up to misinterpretation.

When our family had a crisis a few years back, we were bashed on social media, namely Facebook. Mean, hurtful things were posted. For the most part, it was by people who were going along with the rumor mill, who didn’t know the truth. In these situations, I think people get swept along by the crowd. They don’t stop to consider that what they are hearing and reacting to may not be reality. Or how much it may hurt the people involved.  At any rate, it cut me deep to my core.

Maybe what hurt even worse was the people who were silent. Those who knew us well, who had to have known the rumors weren’t true, yet said nothing. Sometimes, silence can be the worst kind of words that haunt, the ones that are left unsaid.

This is Alan. He was my best friend when I was 5-6 years old. He was a year older. We hung out in the neighborhood and each other’s house, pretty much every day.

One day I was told I couldn’t come in his house, because his mother was very sick. She had cancer, and this was in the 60’s. I don’t know what kind of treatment she had, but I remember she was lying on the couch a lot when I went over.

Eventually she passed away. I didn’t know what to say. I felt so bad for Alan, but I didn’t know the words to express that because I was just 6. So I said nothing. To this day I regret the saying of nothing.

Last year, I came across this picture. I decided to look him up and found him on Facebook. We wound up having a long conversation on messenger, rehashing old times when we were kids. I told him how sorry I was that I didn’t say anything when his mother died and how it had haunted me all these years,  whenever I thought about him. He told me it made him cry and said how much it meant to him.

It mattered. Over 50 years later, the words that went unspoken mattered.

In 1983 I gave birth to my second child. He was stillborn. It came as a shock and I was devastated. When I came home from the hospital, nobody spoke about it with me. There was silence at work, from my neighbors, and the people at my church. I suppose they didn’t know what to say and were afraid to upset me. I wanted desperately to talk about him, the baby I had grown to love through his kicks and turns. Yet I was left alone.

As an older adult, I find myself making that same mistake. Being silent when someone needs comforting. Having good intentions, planning to send a letter or card, but never getting around to it. I’m aiming to do better with that. How about you?

Silence can be deafening to a person in pain.

To be continued…

~Carolyn

“Life isn’t easy. Together we can make it better.”