It was a beautiful, sunny spring day when I gave birth to a stillborn boy on May 14th, 1983. I can remember it like it was yesterday. He was 6lbs 1oz, and there was nothing wrong with him. His passing was attributed to a cord accident.
I am telling you this for one reason. To acknowledge him- that he was alive, that he existed and was loved.
Back then, doctors and nurses weren’t trained in how to handle such losses. I was pretty much left alone in my grief. There were no pictures taken, no family surrounding me in the hospital, no one holding him and getting to know him.
I never read the chapter about loss in the pregnancy book I poured over so intently; that part didn’t apply. And yet it did. He was here. And then he was gone.
To this day I wish I’d had the chance to hold him while he was breathing. He didn’t take that first breath, and he never let out that first cry. The delivery room was silent.
When I returned to my regular life, and work, it was silent there as well. Nobody mentioned my pregnancy or the birth. I suppose they were afraid to “upset me”, as if somehow that would make it easier. In reality, it made it worse. I longed to talk about him, and what had happened.
I am not looking for sympathy. It was 41 years ago. As a mother, the loss is always there. Not in the gut-wrenching way it once was, but in a much more subtle form.
I have been blessed with children who are so special to me, and now a granddaughter. I know full well if my little boy had made it, the whole game of my life would have been different, and they wouldn’t be here. For that I am grateful. My career path also changed because of that loss. God always turns the bad into good.
Please, if you know someone who suffers a pregnancy loss, be it a miscarriage, stillbirth, a loss shortly after birth, or even infertility, don’t be silent. That is the loudest mistake you can make.
~Carolyn
Please feel free to tell your story of loss in the comments. I’d love for you to share.
“Life isn’t easy. Together we can make it better.”
Thank you for sharing this memory and experience. It’s a wonderful thing to honor his life and how your life continues to be be touched by him, and always will be.
What a stirring call to action. Thank you for sharing your hurt with us so that we can respond well to others.
So sorry for your loss. You told your story beautifully. I’m glad that things are done differently now and hopefully it helps.
Our first grandchild, a boy, is in heaven. He never even made it the whole 9 months, but was induced after he was already alive and kicking in mom’s belly. He would have been born last month. My husband says he IS a grandpa, just that his grandson lives in Heaven. I gave little Zavier’s mom, my son’s fiancée, a Mother’s Day gift to commemorate him. It IS true, to deny the baby is the worst. I am so sorry for what you went through, Carolyn, and I know you know it is all different today. But the loss is the same. The emptiness still hurts. Thank you for sharing.
Love always, Michele
You are definitely grandparents. I grieve with you, my friend. It’s all so very sad.
Thank you for sharing. In 1975, my mom lost miscarried twin boys and we almost lost her too. After 10 days in the hospital that I couldn’t see her, when she came home we couldn’t talk about it because she was heartbroken along with my dad. I guess somewhere along the way DR.s told us the way we were told to handle it. I am an only child because she medically couldn’t have other children. Never forgotten.
That is very, very sad in so many ways. My heart aches. Thank you for sharing, though such a painful memory.