“The good news is, you don’t have a kidney stone. The bad news is, the tumor on your left kidney has grown since your last cat scan three years ago. It looks like renal cell carcinoma.” Those words were spoken by the emergency room physician after I had testing for severe left-sided pain.

Wait. What? Nobody told me I had a tumor three years ago. “Doc, are you sure that report has my name on it and isn’t for someone else?” He assured me it was mine.

Many thoughts and questions flooded my mind that day, but the worst was of dying and leaving my young daughter behind. I was overwhelmed with fear. This was the kind of thing that happened to someone else, not me. I wanted to just go home and pretend none of it was real. But it was. I felt like my world had been torn apart.

Fast forward to 2020. The novel coronavirus is infiltrating lives all over the world. This scary, life-threatening virus isn’t somewhere else this time. It’s here in the U.S. in all fifty states. And it’s spreading rapidly.

Now more than ever, the future feels uncertain. I can’t lie. I’m afraid. When I’m home with my family I feel ok. But when I think about returning to work at the hospital my chest tightens. Aside from the virus, there are times I feel I can’t breathe just at the thought of it. The responsibility I feel in protecting myself to prevent further spread and so I don’t bring it home to my loved ones, well, it weighs heavily upon my shoulders.

Yet I am ever reminded of my humanness. That ultimately I only have so much control over my life. I can only act to the best of my ability and resources and the rest is up to God.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
After much testing and several weeks passing, I had that tumor removed from my kidney. As I was wheeled into the operating room the day of my surgery, I imagined myself touching the cloak of Jesus, as the woman in the crowd did all those years ago. She knew where the power and healing was and so did I.

This was my abdomen after the surgery:

I was swollen and in pain, but it was over. Or was it?

Weeks later, I found out it wasn’t renal carcinoma as suspected. It was a benign tumor with an atypical appearance, which mimicked cancer. I healed and life went back to normal.

So the question. Am I going to die? I didn’t then, from that. I may or may not now from this new threat. The fact is, nobody gets out of this life alive.  We don’t know when our final days will be. I work in healthcare, so it’s very likely I’ll be exposed at some point. I’ll do my best to protect myself and my family, but in the end I know I’m not in control of the outcome.

I’ve been making prayer beads in recent months, both to give away and some to sell in the future. When I got up this morning, the set I made yesterday was still on my desk.

Be still and know that I am God…Psalm 46:10. For now, I think it’s important to take one day at a time. Here are a few other verses I find helpful:

Matthew 6:27-34 (NIV)
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Tomorrow I’ll return to work. I’ll walk in with the same prayer I always pray, “Lord, please let me be a blessing to someone today.”

I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m placing my trust in the one who does.

Stay home if you can, friends. Bored is a wonderful place to be right now.

Love,
Carolyn

“Life isn’t easy. Together we can make it better.”